If I had only one wish...

Every coach of every team in every sport has a wishlist. I'm not talking about the kind of wishlist that James Small has with which colour knuckle-duster he wants for Christmas. The wishlist to which I refer is for players, of course. Irrespective of how well a team may be performing or how complete a squad may appear, there is always room for improvement. Aging players need understudies and fresh faces need a Victor Matfield to stunt the growth of their nascent careers. In the spirit of ReRugby's start-stop existence we come back to you now as Super Rugby nears the halfway point in the round robin stage. As a religious festival approaches lets look to the real meaning of such times and think of things we want for ourselves. Let's have a look-see in which position each of the fifteen teams could most use strengthening. For once, I'll resist talking about New Zealand and begin at home in South Africa (not that anyone here will care to read about anything that doesn't start with Oscar , Nkandla or Scarlett Johansson naked).

We'll start in pretty Cape Town where the Newlands faithful haven't even needed fear of a fire to prevent them from placing their rear ends down in their seats. Where to start? Good God! Where a team such as the Stormers is performing as poorly as they are one is automatically drawn toward criticising the leadership on and off the pitch. As much as it pains me, Jean de Villiers cannot take the blame here. He must have taken a few tips from Ryan Giggs in career longevity but for the sake of any brother old JDV may have I would hope it to be the yoga rather than the alternative. Alistair Coetzee is leading the Stormers down a dark path but management aside, you can't help but feel that a bit of dynamism around the fringes is lacking. The Stormers have never been the most exciting lot about but that's fine. Where they have failed this term is imposing themselves and allowing a bit more momentum to carry their attacks forward. Duane Vermuelen is meant to be the big ball carrier but he has lacked form. One wish, if I was Alistair Coetzee (and thank God I'm not because I don't fancy unemployment) is the not so unfamiliar face of Francois Louw. Flow is a fan-favourite and has not been adequately replaced since moving overseas. One player will not change the Stormers position any great deal but his power and disruptive abilities at the breakdown would help stunt opposition attacks and allow a bit more time and space for the backline to... uh.. ya.

Next up is the Cheetahs. Naka Drotske's men have been a serious let-down this season. After such a remarkable resurgence last year, the Cheetahs failed to kick on in the Currie Cup and have been unable to solidify what is ultimately a porous and ill-disciplined defensive unit. There can be no real complaints about their forward pack as they boast one of the most impressive back rows and arguably the second best hooker in the competition. Cheetahs games are always entertaining and you can always count on them to allow for a dramatic comeback, no matter what lead they may have. The question though, is what to do with a talented and unruly animal. Do you try and tame it or let it run wild? Professional rugby is about balance and at the moment the Cheetahs are lacking a touch of that. Their attack is too eager to head to the sideline and a big, gainline crossing, assault-charge-having, PTSD recovering centre could help keep things a bit close and not allow their defence to get too spread every time they lose possession. Someone like Francois Steyn ticks the first two boxes only, as far as I am aware, but oh ya he plays for the Sharks.

'Shithead': a term once used to refer to the Lions so majestically and affectionately on this plane of literary grace known as ReRugby . Nowadays, that may perhaps seem a little out of place. Their start to their campaign has been nothing short of miraculous. A last-minute win against the Cheetahs was one thing but victories against the Stormers, Blues and Reds left all and sundry in a state of absolute incredulity. I think even Warren Brosnihan may have run out of superlatives for the Lions' start to this campaign. Marnitz Boshoff has proved a steady supply of points and a good distributor and kicker out of hand. Elton is looking more and more likely to be off overseas in the face of such consistency shown by Boshoff as it looks like the fat man's days at Ellis Park are numbered. Faf de Klerk has been a useful addition but where the Lions could use a bit extra is in their front row. Hooker has shown itself to be a vital position in recent years with strong, mobile players able to make huge impacts in big matches. Good old Willie Wepenaar is one thing but look, he has not only seen too many winters but is just something of a, well, shithead.

Ah the Bulls. Possibly my worst and favourite topic of conversation. After last year's purple debacle one would probably have thought the worst to be over. Sadly not. Never bet against the master of the fashion faux pas: the Dutchman (no offence meant. The previous comment was a direct insult but considering the fact that I said no offence it means that what I said is now fine). The camouflage kit that the Bulls have got this year is nothing short of a travesty. I never thought it possible that I could imagine hating Jaco van der Westhuisen more swinging from the poles after the 2007 Super Rugby final (less said about that the better) but if he were to be wearing this abomination then quite frankly, I think I may have imploded. Oh right, we are talking about their players. Sorry. Screw that, change the kit.

The Sharks.

End.

Meet the 2013 New Zealand Franchises

The clock continues to tick down as match day one of Super Rugby 2013 fast approaches. Whilst the opening round does seem to be a bit of a curtain raiser for round two, any competitive southern hemisphere rugby is enough to get you all excited. With only two infamously boring Aussie derbies on the cards this weekend, ReRugby thought we’d move on and carry on with our analysis of this year’s teams and their respective comings and goings. Despite being a South African, I do have an unpatriotic fascination with New Zealand rugby. Everything about the All Blacks and the New Zealand franchises just reeks with ‘cool’.  From their kits to Rene Ranger calf tattoos and all-round Maori flair, the boys from the land of the long white cloud sure do know how to set the rugby world alight and here are the new men who will be bringing the show.

The Blues had a dreadful 2012 and have plenty new faces to replaces some more familiar ones who have moved on. All Black regulars Tony Woodcock, Jerome Kaino, Ma’a Nonu and Isaia Toeava have left for lands anew but the buck doesn’t stop there. The Aucklanders will also have to do without tunnel burrower Daniel Braid, Chris Lowrey, Gareth Anscombe (who’s gone to chow bench behind Aaron Cruden at the Chiefs), Alby Mathewson, Michael Hobbs, Benson Stanley, powerhouse winger Rudi Wulf, apeman Lachie Munro and the biggest loss of all the mercurial, gap tearing and all round nice guy Hadleigh Parkes. Noticeable additions include former Crusaders’ hooker Quentin MacDonald, the exciting flyhalf prospect Baden Kerr, former Highlander Chris Noakes, Jackson Willison from the Chiefs and former NZ Sevens star Frank Halai. The Blues needed a reshuffle and they have certainly not been scared in bringing that about. One cannot be sure if it will pay off but as the ‘Canes showed last year, shedding some big-name dead weight (although they have kept Piri Weepu) can give the team a big boost.

Last season’s winners the Chiefs return in 2013 with a similar squad to 2012, with one notable omission. The Buffalo Hunter, Sonny Bill Williams has moved back to Sydney to play league. SBW is a one-of-a-kind machine and as shown by the Crusaders or frankly any team who he plays for and abandons will testify; he is irreplaceable. That Jackson Willison has also left and Richard Kahui is notoriously injury prone do not help matters. The Chiefs have brought Charlie Ngatai from the Hurricanes and young centre Bundee Aki as cover. Talk of Tim Nanai-Williams shifting to centre, presumably at 13, could give the Chiefs an exciting combination with Kahui. The key to the Chiefs this season is Aaron Cruden. His form, along with Tawera Kerr-Barlow was sensational last term and if they can keep it going then another playoff spot is surely theirs. The Chiefs forward pack remains strong but try scoring aficionado Sona ‘Touch My Lolly’ Taumolo, has been pulled in by the garlic. Otherwise, we should expect much of the same from the cow-bell boys, which include some fireworks, Masaga gas and some Ben Tameifat.

Super Rugby’s most successful team, the Crusaders, have fallen off the pace a bit in recent years and are in big need of an impressive 2013 to restore faith in Todd Blackadder’s ability to restore the team to their glory years. They do boast two of the world’s best players in Israel Dagg and Dan Carter and these two will need to maintain fitness and top form this season especially given the absence of Richie McCaw who has decided to heed his conscience and take a breather from the game. The ‘Saders will have to do without All Blacks Ben Franks who has moved to Wellington and piss artist and bare-backed bar brawler Zac Guildford, but the winger may actually return in a few weeks despite earlier speculation that he would be taking the season off to find some Zen. Sean Maitland has moved to play for Scotland and Patrick Osbourne, who made a good impression in the ITM Cup has moved to the Chiefs leaving the ‘Saders thin at wing.

The Highlanders have done a lot of business in the off season in the hopes that they can give their season a bit more stamina than previous years. Jason Rutledge has called time on his career to return to electrician duty, James Haskell has returned to the UK, Adam Thomson proves a huge loss as he moves to Japan along with Mike Delany and Siale Piutau, and Jimmy Cowan has also moved to get rained on in England. Thomson’s loss depletes the Highlander’s wing stocks but they will now be able to add a third loose forward to their starting lineup in his absence. They have brought in All Blacks Tony Woodcock, Brad Thorn and Ma’a Nonu which will give the side was valuable experience. Colin Slade would be first choice at flyhalf but he continues his charge for the most injury-prone player since Andre Snyman and will miss the first few weeks, leaving space for Lima Sopoaga. The Highlanders have an electric backline with the likes of Nonu, Tamati Ellison, Hosea Gear, Kade Poki and Ben Smith on the books and if the forwards perform as they have in recent years these boys could prove very dangerous this season.

The Hurricanes had a brilliant 2012 considering how poor they have been in recent years and the personal losses they suffered. Beauden Barrett was one of the year’s stand-out performers and was rewarded with an All Black call-up. The ‘Canes have brought in Julian Savea’s brother Ardie from the Sevens system and if he can have as big an impact as his brother then there is much to be excited about. Flair pivot Dan Kirkpatrick has left to kick drop goals in France and centres Jayden Hayward and Charlie Ngatai have moved on. Along with Ben Franks from the Crusaders, they have also brought in prop Eric Sione and wing Matt Proctor from the Wellington ITM Cup squad. Cory Jane’s injury is a big setback but the side has good balance and isn’t overly reliant on its star players. Victor Vito will remain an important figure for the ‘Canes despite his dumb appearance in a scrum cap and Tub Jim Perenara will look to push on from an impressive 2013. Expect further progress in 2013 from the men from the capital.

And we're back: Super Rugby makes its return

February is back and the month of love promises to deliver all what you lonely hearts out there so desire. It’s not chocolates; it’s biltong. It’s not sweet rosė sparkling wine; its ice cold beer and instead of flowers the only decorations necessary are the flags of your team’s colours. The month of February is perceived a little differently depending on your number of ‘X’ chromosomes but in all honesty a little fat voyeuristic infant cannot begin to instill the excitement and fervour that the start of Super Rugby does each and every year.

So, ReRugby is back after an extended hiatus and in anticipation of weeks listening to Naas and Owen mispronounce names I hope to give a brief introduction to this year’s teams, what we can expect from them and any interesting changes to their rosters. I’ll begin with every South African’s favourite enemy: the Australians. I know you have all been spared the pleasure of ReRugby’s cutting analysis and side-splitting wit for far too long and will probably be wondering why I have chosen to start the re-launch with the dullest of the three SANZAR nations but I don’t want anyone rushing into it and I felt it wise to ease you into the new season’s banter with the ‘C’ team.

The Brumbies began last season surprisingly well and couldn’t quite maintain their form till the end when the class of the Reds managed to finally emerge giving the Brisbane outfit the edge at the top of the Australian conference. It was no great surprise that only one Aussie team made the playoffs but the Brumpets gave a good account of themselves and under Jake White they will look to improve this year. They have managed to make a great signing bringing Wallaby flanker and hand-in-ruck specialist David Pocock.  The Force have lost big on this one but White’s plan to restore the Brumbies to their glory days depends on having players like Pocock in key positions. The Brumbies have one of the stronger Australian front rows and Stephen Moore will take over Nathan Sharpe’s role as number one cue ball in Super Rugby. The title is sure to be a heavy weight on his shoulders but I’m sure he will do what he does best and burrow that shiny head of his where no one wants it. Players such as Christian Lealiifano, the exciting Joe Tomane and Henry Speight will look to push on from 2012 and the return of old south coast boy Clyde Rathbone is sure to get the blood boiling.

The less said about the Force the better as the Perth-based franchise will expect another tough year. They only managed three wins last year and have lost their two most influential players in Sharpe and Pocock. They have pulled in promising opensider and Highbury old boy Chris Alcock from the Waratahs to cover Pocock’s absence and have also signed scrumhalf Alby Mathewson from the Blues. Former ‘Tahs salamander Sam Norton-Knight makes a sneaky return to Super Rugby after a stint in Japan and Jayden Hayward makes the trip across the drink from the ‘Canes to replace Rory Sidey who has moved on to the Rebels. In other news, the man who kicked with his gum guard sticking out the side of his mouth David Harvey has gone somewhere, hopefully dark and hot and permanent, and Fijian winger Napolioni Nalaga who showed his class toward the end of the season has moved back to Clermont in France. Sias Ebersohn has cut the cord from brother Robert in a move necessary for his career and consistent game time could give the Force a really talented and lively player for their new season. It is, however, sure to be another tough year for the Force but who knows. The original cue ball may make a grand return and inspire his team to maybe four wins this year.

Australia’s other bottom feeder the Melbourne Rebels have lost a number of their big name players. It has probably done their wage bill some favours and like QPR in the England’s Premier League they were carrying a lot of aged and underperforming players. Big Stirling has called quits, Mark Gerrard and Julian Huxley have moved on and Michael Lipman, Adam Freier and Al Campbell have also retired. Rodzilla has been released which is sad for those fans who take pleasure in seeing the big men try and move about and Danny Cipriani (or Chipriani as Naas calls him) has pissed off back to England. The Rebels have brought in Scott Higginbotham whose power and versatility will certainly help but in my mind the best signing is hooker and human torpedo Shota Horie. The diminutive Japanese international featured in the 2011 World Cup and will provide great entertainment value in the absence of Rodzilla. The Rebels will also bear the loss of Cooper Vuna who is set to miss the first six weeks of the competition. Kurtley and James O’Connor will again be vital to the Rebels cause and it is important that these two see as much ball as possible. Beale showed how when deployed at flyhalf he can almost win matches on his own and with Cipriani and James Hilgendorf shown the door this might very well be the case.

The Reds have chosen stability ahead of a squad shake up with Scott Higginbotham the only first team player who has moved on in the break with former rebels front-rower Jono Owen coming in. New ARU deals for Quade Cooper and Will Genia would have relaxed Ewan McKenzie somewhat but the Reds’ coach is sure to be as pensieve and antsy as ever on the sidelines at Suncorp. Radike Samo father of many is still there in the Reds back row and young flankers Liam Gill, Beau Robinson and Ed Quirk will look to build from impressive seasons in 2012. Cooper will be the key and if the likes of Digbert and Dom Shipperly are firing the Reds could be back to the scintillating form we saw in 2011. Mike Harris gives them a dependable goal kicker and big James Horwill will need to lead by example in the tight in order for Genia and Cooper to dictate.

The Waratahs have done a bit of useful business in the off season bringing in Wallaby Michael Hooper for the departed Chris Alcock, former Reds utility forward Mitchell Chapman and Cam Crawford from the Brumbies. The ever ill-disciplined Dean Mumm has left to get cards for Exeter and experienced campaigners Dan Vickerman and Roquefort Elsom have both left. Fans of flair will be devastated to hear that Daniel Halangahu has left but never fear as you can catch him playing for Zebre in Italy if you ever feel like seeing nothing happen. Sarel Pretorius has been shown the door to return back to Bloem and I don’t think many in Sydney will be overly disappointed about that. The ‘Tahs will battle to improve on their mid-table finish of last year but a good clean-out could pave the way for a resurgence in coming years.