Super Rugby Preview: Week 7

We return to normal this week after the much-hyped match at Twickenham last Sunday; saying this is, however, certainly not indicative of less excitement for the upcoming fixtures. Arguably the match of the weekend, as a contest, has again been saved for last with the Stormers travelling to Durban to face the Sharks. In addition, this weekend has thrown up a few fixtures where tries could be aplenty and a few arse-kickings are in order here.

We start with the Highlanders against the Brumbies in Invercargill and the setting of the world's worst weather looks like it won't disappoint with rain predicted for Friday night's fixture (NZ time). The return of Colin Slade will prove an immeasurable boost for the Highlanders but we may have to wait a week or two for his full potential as a result of a lack of match-fitness. The Brumbies have been a bunch of knobs so far this season and will find it difficult in the unfavourable conditions. Matt Giteau has been one of their few shining lights but the ever-present Adam Thomson and the rest of the Highlanders should be too much.

The Waratahs bounced back with a solid win last week and host the Chiefs on Friday. Catfish Beale is back at flyhalf, the position where he showered himself more in excrement than glory in his early days in the number 10 shirt, but he is a much more experienced player and the battle against Delany should be interesting with both bringing much attacking flair to the table. This could be a good one and should see one pretty sweet tries.

Roturua plays host to what could be a real blowout. The Blues have been very good so far and the Cheetahs have a history of being atrocious against New Zealand opposition away from home. They are without Heinrich Brussow and will struggle to compete with the Blues pace and power. Just looking at the two backlines clearly illustrates the gulf in class: Wilmaure Louw (???) v Rene Ranger, Mcallister v Corner Uys; good god! The only chance the Cheetahs have is if Hennie Daniller magically turns up injury-free but it doesn't look like we'll be blessed with the big man's presence this weekend. I'm definitely backing the Blues here!

Game two on Saturday features two of the under-performers of the season. The 'Canes and the Bulls have been poor so far and both will be looking for a big performance. We all know, however, that the dutchmen miss the comforts of home and aren't renowned for being particularly good travelers. I mean, life has to be hard without an abundance of steak and two-tone shirts at one's disposal. The Hurricanes have Hosea Gear back this week but with Daniel 'I like to get run over by everyone I try tackle' Kirkpatrick at fylhalf they might as well not play. This one is difficult to call and really could go either way.

 The Force v Rebels game in Perth could be a good one as well as both of these Australian sides have shown glimpses of good play that their positions on the log don't reflect. They currently sit 13th and 12th, respectively, but don't let this discourage you as we should see some good attacking rugby. They both fancy to throw the pigskin around and we should see some fan-friendly play. It will be interesting to see if the Rebels' bi-weekly routine continues and it is no coincidence that this has accompanied their home and away fixtures. The new kids on the block have won 2 of their 4 home fixtures, losing one narrowly to the Sharks, and have lost woefully in their 2 away matches. I'm picking the Force for this one.

The Reds begin their South African tour with a a match against the erratic Lions. Despite all the hype they find themselves in the same position on the log as they usually do and the only real change is the manner in which they lose rather than an actual change in results. Their attacking play is almost an excuse for being a bunch of bums but this won't get them very far. The Reds adopt a similar game plan but actually have the quality to pull it off. So poor and unreliable has Elton Jantjies been so far that the Lions have called back Andre Pretorius to start at 10 which is far from encouraging for them. The young man should use this time to work on his bop and his place-kicking but it shouldn't be long; Pretorius is always good for an injury soon after a come-back. Digby Ioane at outside centre will be exciting and the Reds should take this one quite comfortably.

Last of all we have the feature match between the Sharks and the Stormers. The Stormers, along with the Crusaders, are the form side so far and looked exceptional against the Force last week. They showed a complete performance and added the tries to their game that the Newlands faithful were delighted to see, at least those who took sunglasses to the stadium. The Sharks have been struggling, having lost their last two games and without Lambie and now Potgieter, unconfirmed, they will struggle without a recognised goal-kicker. This will be a tight, physical contest and Peter Grant's imperturbable playing style might give the away side the edge. The Sharks will battle for the full 80 and be sure to expect plentiful ball carries from The Business and Willem Alberts.

Mex: The King of Quotes

Over my years of being a rugby viewer and scholar, I have found it hard not to notice how both the Australian and New Zealand commentators have a tendency to say some great shit. None, however, can compare to the great Murray Mexted. Here are just a few epic quotes to wet your appetite:

1)"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"
2)"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." 
3)"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better."
4)"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
5)"Strangely, in the slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

We will try to dig up some other epic quotes from the likes of Hugh 'Unbelievable' Bladen and Greg 'Marto' Martyn over the course of the season in order to keep you all entertained!

Stay Tuned!

'Finds' of Super Rugby 2011

Super Rugby 2011 has provided everything that was expected of it: excellent attacking rugby, flashes of extravagance and the Cheetahs and the Lions propping up the rest. As with past seasons this has seen the introduction of a number of new faces and the further development of others who have been around in past seasons but haven't really yet set alight the world. We take a look here at some of these players who have excelled this year in a introductory role.
 
Jared Payne: The 25 year old utility back has been a major part in the Blues consistent success so far this season. He has followed on from an impressive ITM Cup for Northland where he played mostly at fullback. Payne was pretty kak for the Crusaders last year mainly operating on the wing but has wholly justified being played at centre this season at the expense of Rene Ranger being pushed to the wing. He has provided the Auckland outfit with some much-needed stability and has offered them some good attacking play scoring 2 tries of his own as well as providing 2 assists. The Blues will hope they can pull it together and produce the consistent levels of play that they produced in the late 90's that had all teams coming against them tripping nuts and Payne is exactly the player they need to do just that.

Ita Vaea: This Tongan-born number 8 has impressed many people in this his debut Super Rugby season. The big man is actually the lowest paid professional rugby player in Australia and does it because "I love the game". He seems to have the right attitude but it leads one to wonder why the Brumbies spend all their money hiring all their ex-players as coaches rather than paying their players enough to survive. Let's hope he can keep it up because this Toutai Kefu-like player does present himself as quite a prospect.

Sonny-Bill Williams: A list of this description would have no option other than to include big SBW. The man has been beyond exceptional and in his first season looks like he has been playing rugby union his whole life rather than for just the last two years. The 25 year old really does make the game look easy and as much as it pains me to admit made the Sharks defence look like a bunch of pansies in the Crusaders win on Sunday. The fact that he is a boxer as well as a rugby player pretty much says all that need be said. Sonny Bill is the heat.

Joshua Strauss: The bearded-one as he has been dubbed has popped out of his own arse-hole this year and has been one of the stand-out loose forwards of the tournament so far. The story behind that outrageous beard is that he is refusing to shave until his girlfriend leaves Stellenbosch, in the Western Cape, and moves to Jo'burg to live with him. One would think that such a hardcore looking oke would come up with a more 'gees' story to explain such an epic beard. Aside from all that nonsense he has been a real find for the Lions this tear and they will need him to continue with such great form in order for them lift off the base this year.

Nasi Manu: The 22 year old has been excellent for the Highlanders this season and with Adam Thomson and Alando Soaki has helped his team to a good start to 2011 season. Manu represented Canterbury in last year's ITM Cup and the Highlanders will be well-pleased to have signed the big man for this year's Super 15. Manu has given his side important go-forward ball and he has a pretty sweet afro to go with it.

It's always great having one of these guys in your fantasy team so you can tell your mates that you discovered him when he rips it up for you and no one else has him. Unfortunately I haven't given myself this opportunity too often this season but it isn't too later for you fellow fantasy rugby players. These guys are, for the most part, bargain picks and we hope to see them emulate the form we have seen from them so far as the season progresses.

Rene Ranger: Man or Myth?

Being Rene Ranger can't be easy. What I mean by that is its pretty hard to live up to the reputation of being pretty much the most epic oke in the world. Now if I were to elaborate on this I could be here all day, so I thought the best approach for tackling the daunting task of documenting why this dude is the bee's knees would be to do it in bullet form. So here goes:

1) His surname is Ranger, that surname couldn't be any more potent.

2) He has a tattoo on his calf which normally I would be averse to but because the guy has such manly calves he pulls it off.

3) He pioneers some of the most epic hair cuts and facial hair known to man. Who could ever forget the rat tail and now the all new bro' fro?

4) He almost certainly racks the bitches

5) His celebrations are ground breaking

and finally,

6) If you try to tackle him, you are sure as shit gonna come off second best.

There is a lot that can be said about Rangers attributes as an awesome dude, but seriously now, enough of the homo erotic stuff. This man in my mind is one of the most talented and electrifying rugby players the world of rugby has to offer. For those of you who are not acquainted with the Ranger brand of rugby here are a few key things that set him apart from the rest. Firstly it is important to note that he is a winger or centre, and as such the standard abilities of any player for this position are excellent handling, speed, agility and a decent level of vision. Ranger has all of these attributes, but what sets him apart are the things he does that are not always mandatory of players for these positions. Firstly, His beaverish attitude toward the ball on the ground and an exceptional level of core strength have enabled him to become one of the most effective turn over specialists in the world of rugby. What I mean by this is that, for the number of opportunities he gets to snaffle the ball off of the deck, his success rate is exceptionally high. Secondly, his ability to offload in the tackle is possibly only bettered by SBW or Dan Carter. This is an attribute that is immeasurable in value, and if Ranger were to be played more often in the outside centre position this talent could be exploited far more often. Finally, his low centre of gravity allows him to be one of the strongest players in the tackle, that world rugby has to offer. Overall, Ranger is the complete centre and his true value to the Blues and New Zealand rugby in the years to come is yet to be totally realized. Essentially, he is the tits!

But for those of you who believe that my head is right up Ranger's arse and that this praise is a bit unwarranted, wait, there is a point to be made here. Given all of these talents, my question is, why have such an effective player in such an uninvolved position? Well, i'm not sure really. Sure, Jarryd Paine has been effective at outside centre for the Blues this year, but my point is, look at what you are missing out on by not playing Ranger at 13. The Blues have played well so far, and why tamper with a winning formula. But the point is, if Ranger and Payne were swapped, how much would that disrupt a winning formula! I bet it wouldn't and, in fact, I reckon the blues would perform even better if this swap was to occur. The thought of having Ranger at centre is enough to give your average fantasy rugby player (Pardon the Afrikaans) a 'gerinktinkel in sy hol in' on a Thursday afternoon when preparing your side for the weekend's fixtures. So I think that Pat Lam should stop being selfish and allow those many thousands of people who would love to see Ranger in the no. 13 jumper, the feeling of being at half mast, even if it is just for one week.

Super Rugby Preview: Week 6

In light of our preview for week 5 being a bit too similar to that of that Stormers loving, douche bag Keo we have decided to do ours a little differently this week. Following in this same vain we promise that we won't include any wholly-unjustified praises of the no better than average Duane Vermuelen.

This weekend, as with all others, promises much entertaining rugby with the clear highlight being the Sharks Crusaders clash at Twickenham. This will be the first Super Rugby match to be played outside of the SANZAR nations and will be, in all likelihood, the most entertaining game of rugby to be played in the northern hemisphere this year. We have one match on Friday, five on Saturday and the one on Sunday.

Rebels vs Hurricanes (Melbourne)

The Hurricanes have failed to light up the competition thus far with their big guns, such as Nonu and Gear, either failing to perform or not being able to hit the paddock, respectively. Having said this, the Rebels are not averse to taking a good schilacking and in my mind its about time this side transformed themselves from a passing squall to a full on hurricane. This is the week for the 'Canes to show their minerals. The 'Canes all the way here!

Reds vs Cheetahs (Brisbane)

The Cheetahs have artfully been involved in each of the most boring games of a weekend this season. They've defended gainfully but against teams that won't necessarily drop every ball, like the Waratahs last week (most notably 'sevens-specialist' Pat McCutcheon), it won't quite be enough. The Reds have upped the tempo and played well against the Rebels last week producing their biggest ever win in Super Rugby. The Reds handling and running play will stretch the Cheetahs and they will struggle to keep their defence up for the full 80.

Chiefs vs Blues (Hamilton)

In my mind, this could be the most exciting game of the weekend! A barrage of exciting ball carriers will be on display in this game involving two teams that generally like to entertain. The Blues have looked impressive thus far and if Ranger is allowed some space he could be a man to watch. On the other side of the field, Richard Kahui, now fully fit, could have a massive impact with some cute off loads to release his electric outside combination. Expect some good expletives from 'Foxxy' and the boys from this game.

Brumbies v Waratahs (Canberra)

Neither of these teams are bringing much form into this one giving rise to Matt Giteau having dubbed it the "Clash of the Desperates". I'm sure thats not the only dubbing that goes on the Brumbies change room but we'll leave that for another time. The 'Tahs were nothing short of horrific last week and we expect a big improvement on Saturday. Giteau's Brumbies will offer some resistance but one feels that the Waratahs will have received a serious reeming and will come out firing.

Stormers vs Force (Cape Town)

The Stormers whilst not setting the world alight have manfully ground out 4 victories from 4 and this bodes well for when they really do start to play well. They top the combined log, but they are playing against a talented outfit from Perth. James O'Connor for me has been a stand out player in the competition thus far and he could pose some problems. But this game will be determined up front, the big boys for both teams will have to perform well at the breakdown and who ever wins that battle will win out at the end of the day! Lets not forget about Bash though, he has kicked masterfully thus far this season and the boots of both kickers may also be significant.

Bulls vs Lions

The second so-called Jukskei derby, named after a river no one has ever heard of, of the season and this time it is Pretoria's chance to play host. Rumours are abound of a number of Cardiothoracic surgeons being employed by the Bulls rugby union to cope with the predictably large number of heart attacks that will be inevitable at the boerewors, brandy and tension filled Loftus. It has also been said that this one will present the highest concentration of individuals with a BMI of over 40 in history. Health issues aside this one should prove entertaining and if weather permits we should see some good attacking recby.

Crusaders v Sharks

Whether being played in Christchurch, Durban or London this will still be a game played out on the paddock. The Crusaders have looked nothing short of exceptional and the Sharks have looked a bit dodgy in the last two weeks having suffered their first defeat of the season to the Chiefs last time out. With Lambie out injured the Sharks will look even less impressive on attack and may find retaining possession difficult without the ability to move up the field with ball in hand. Defence will be key for the Sharks as the Crusaders' backline has been scintillating. The Crusaders are bringing great form into this one and may prove a bit too much.

How The Flair Was Born: The Ballad of Hennie Daniller

Born in the outskirts of Bethlehem Henningford Olof Daniller was always to become a star. As a young lad he was determined to live his life as a nomadic crop-rotation consultant which may have had something to do with influences from father Koosie. His old man was the domineering type and as a farmer himself saw to it that his son, already 6 foot tall at the age of 7, followed the Daniller family trade.

Secondary school at ekisliefvirscrumming Hoerskool saw Hennie move away from his agricultural background and towards the world of recby (following the pronunciation of the word by Naas). Being about 40kg and 2 foot taller than any of his teammates Hennie was immediately drafted into the 'A' team. It was here, however, that Hennie wasn't afforded the coaching of the side-step or even perhaps the pass. His rather large left peg was given star status in the little dorpie school and Hennie was often found behind the biltong drying room with a few poppies. He went on to represent South Africa at schools and under-20 levels.

When Hennie moved on from his beloved school the allure of giving up rugby and joining the Boswell-Wilkie circus as a lion tamer gave the 19 year old some sleepless nights but clear thought prevailed and the most electrifying player we now have to watch began his career as a professional rugby player. The big lad, who doesn't have a Wikipedia page to get personal information from, was always going to play for the Cheetahs. His fashion sense and his all-too ripping hairstyle would have fitted in better in  Cape Town or perhaps even  in Paris but it was his playing style that just matched the style of the Free-State side. His attributes of acceleration and vision presented themselves as a revelation to Free-State rugby. His predilection for the traditional torpedo punt, a very surprising technique to adopted by a man from Os-country, was instantly adored by the Vodacom Park faithful and they have honoured Henningford with a position in the Bloem Hell's Angels that grace the field before every game upon his retirement.

So Hennie is a player that we all know and love; a man that every team would kill to have on the roster. Despite this South African rugby would, in all likelihood, rather pick Jabba the Hut at fullback for the Springboks rather than big Hennie. It has even been said that upon donning a pair of white boots he actually started having some sort of fit as a result of not knowing what to do with so much flair.

This is the first of a series of exposes some of the more exciting buds in the rugby world and we hope that these fact-filled, entirely citable and delictual-claim free articles will be found enjoyable. Dinkum.

Why is Northern Hemisphere Rugby So Average?

When one sits down on a Saturday morning getting ready to enjoy an epic day of rugby viewing (as any normal self respecting man should every Saturday of his living life), the Six Nations, Heineken Cup and English Premiership are not the tournaments that jump to mind for inspiring a bro’s rugby induced erection. My question is why? I believe it goes beyond the fact that we all live in the southern hemisphere, because, in my mind, any rugby that is on is worth watching if it’s gonna be entertaining. But that’s just it, the rugby is just not entertaining! From shitty commentators, average kits (Except for Stade Francais) and appalling weather conditions to scores being in multiples of three on a regular basis, all of these factors add up to me actually rather wanting to watch a mind numbingly boring episode of ‘The Young and the Restless’ then put myself through the torture of watching a match between Harlequins and the Exeter Chiefs. So now down to business, and getting to the crux of the matter, why is this the case?

Well of course the weather does play a major part, when its -2 degrees celcius and your fingers feel more like icicles then human flesh, well, that makes it pretty hard to play some good solid running rugby. But, in my mind, you cant blame the weather for the miserly number of tries scored in the northern hemisphere each year. For flips sakes, these guys are professionals who train in those conditions day in, day out, all year! Surely they have mastered the art of catching with their hands feeling as numb as my face feels after having watched just such a game. No, no. I feel the organisers+ of these tournaments are to blame. And it starts with the big dicks at the top of the pile. As Naas would say, it’s time some ‘Preshure’ gets put on those who officiate and organise the Six Nations.

The Six Nations is the highest level of tournament play the northern hemisphere has to offer, and frankly it looks like tiddly winks compared to what goes on back down south. When the teams hit the field, yes there is passion, but execution is lacking. Execution is lacking because that execution is never even attempted, sything moves that even Robbie Fruean would be proud of and would make even the most bored of spectators stand to attention, are sadly not the norm as we have gotten used to here in the fairer rugby territories of the south. But you must still be wondering why? Its simple, there is no incentive for the teams to play running rugby. Running rugby is induced by adding an incentive. As is seen in Super Rugby, 4 tries are rewarded with a bonus point and, as the Sharks have found out far too often in the past, a lack of bonus points at the end of the season can be costly. In Six Nations play, bonus points don’t exist. Emphasis is placed on winning rather scoring four tries. But what I don’t understand is, if you score four tries then 9 times out of ten you are going to win anyway and also what team wouldn’t want to win. Emphasis need not be put on winning, winning is a given! So I believe that if a bonus point system were put in place right at the top, this would subliminally filter down through the system and induce more tries and wake a large quantity of bored spectators from their slumbers.

So how does this affect us down here in the entertained south? Well, the four home nations have become somewhat the whipping boys of world rugby, with even Argentina finding ways of trouncing those up north (Japan will be next). The bias between north and south has become so evident that the English now consider a successful home autumn series against the south as winning 2 out of 4. In what world is that successful, you should be winning all your home games or at least 3 out of 4. I know that we all love dominating world rugby, and we all love to see the poms whinge, but for the greater good of this game we all love, it is necessary to have a strong set of ‘home’ based nations. I don’t know about you but for me, whinging can become a bit much and if I have to here that git Jeremy Clarkson complain about that Mark Cueto ‘try’ from the RWC 2007 one more time then I may in fact be forced to fly over there to kick him once, really hard in the shin and trust me that is not pleasant.

Supe Rugby/ Super Ugby four-week round-up

The competition that makes these months our favourite time of year is in full force and after the first four weeks the logs have begun to take shape.

2010 Currie Cup champions, the Sharks, top the pile after being the only team to have taken four wins from four. The Durban boys have looked clinical without being overly impressive but so has become the successful pattern of Sharks rugby over the last 8 or so months. The Stormers remain the only other unbeaten side but their apparent inability to score points outside multiples of three may see them come unstuck in the not so distant future. The Bulls have looked far from their dominant best of the last two seasons and have struggled to maintain their impressive ability to score points despite conceding them at the other end. This may have something to do with the fact that their wingers need to be given the ball with an open try-line for them to cross it. The much talked-about Lions have finally ended their infamous 17 match losing streak against the hapless Cheetahs; showing that naive and brash play may at least prevent them from retaining the wooden spoon. The Cheetahs have started poorly but they have their little scavenger Heinrich Brussow back from a long injury which will give them a big boost in confidence.

In New Zealand the Highlanders lead the conference but for slightly different reasons than usual the Crusaders have been grabbing the headlines. Their outrageous centre combination of 'Money-Bill' SBW and Robbie Fruean have seen them trounce the Waratahs and Brumbies in consecutive weeks. One recommendation in taking on this pair is to to not pick gnomes like Christian Lealiifano and Matt Toomua against them like the Brumbies did in the second half last week. They have responded well to an opening-week loss to the Blues and the disaster earth-quake to get back to second in the NZ conference. Returning to the Highlanders is by no means an uninteresting task as the boys from the south have proven incredibly difficult to beat. Much of this can be explained by the core of their team coming from the Southland outfit that impressed in the ITM Cup (NZ's version of the Currie Cup). The other New Zealand sides have produced their usual enjoyable brand mixed with the atrocious most typified by the Chiefs. One of the most entertaining teams in the comp must, however, leave their fans wishing they had taken a trip to Tokyo this last weekend, or perhaps ripping their hair out if you'd prefer, rather than watch the simple errors their team is so prone to make. An injury to Mils Muliaina has seen Tim Nanai-Williams get a bit of regular game-time which has seen many rugby fans jump for joy. In the words of Scotty Stevenson "this boy is on a drug called Charlie Sheen" and if this is what results then bi-winning doesn't seem so bizarre after all.

In Australia the 'Tahs have set the pace and looked not to far from unstoppable until they came crashing into the 12 and 13 of SBW and Fruean. They will respond well and with my cousin Kurtley Beale and Drew Mitchell at the back they will surely be too much for the Cheetahs this week. The Reds haven't continued on the run that they had last season but expect a pick-up from them in the next few weeks. Quade Cooper has let many people down by not adding to his property through dubious means or anything else of the sort but aside from that seems to be developing into a more complete ten. Despite not being last in the Aussie conference the Brumbies have performed like bottom-feeders and seem to be missing George Smith a bit more than they were hoping as they have struggled to get good clean ball for Matt Giteau. The Force and the Rebels, without the wins on the board to prove it, have exceeded expectations and will make it difficult for the more fancied sides in the conference to qualify. The Rebels, in particular, have looked much better than the horse-shit that was predicted in the last two weeks picking up a win and a narrow defeat to the Sharks. Back to the Force it seems quite unbelievable how the tub of lard known as Fat, oh sorry Matt, Dunning still qualifies as an athlete but stranger things have happened (remember that guy from Bermuda taking that catch in the slips in the last cricket world cup).

So now that we have that out of the way we will get into a few more detailed and hopefully more original posts in the near future. Comments will be most welcome but any along a negative line will require the author to be run down by Willem Alberts.

Written by James Beall