Why is Northern Hemisphere Rugby So Average?

When one sits down on a Saturday morning getting ready to enjoy an epic day of rugby viewing (as any normal self respecting man should every Saturday of his living life), the Six Nations, Heineken Cup and English Premiership are not the tournaments that jump to mind for inspiring a bro’s rugby induced erection. My question is why? I believe it goes beyond the fact that we all live in the southern hemisphere, because, in my mind, any rugby that is on is worth watching if it’s gonna be entertaining. But that’s just it, the rugby is just not entertaining! From shitty commentators, average kits (Except for Stade Francais) and appalling weather conditions to scores being in multiples of three on a regular basis, all of these factors add up to me actually rather wanting to watch a mind numbingly boring episode of ‘The Young and the Restless’ then put myself through the torture of watching a match between Harlequins and the Exeter Chiefs. So now down to business, and getting to the crux of the matter, why is this the case?

Well of course the weather does play a major part, when its -2 degrees celcius and your fingers feel more like icicles then human flesh, well, that makes it pretty hard to play some good solid running rugby. But, in my mind, you cant blame the weather for the miserly number of tries scored in the northern hemisphere each year. For flips sakes, these guys are professionals who train in those conditions day in, day out, all year! Surely they have mastered the art of catching with their hands feeling as numb as my face feels after having watched just such a game. No, no. I feel the organisers+ of these tournaments are to blame. And it starts with the big dicks at the top of the pile. As Naas would say, it’s time some ‘Preshure’ gets put on those who officiate and organise the Six Nations.

The Six Nations is the highest level of tournament play the northern hemisphere has to offer, and frankly it looks like tiddly winks compared to what goes on back down south. When the teams hit the field, yes there is passion, but execution is lacking. Execution is lacking because that execution is never even attempted, sything moves that even Robbie Fruean would be proud of and would make even the most bored of spectators stand to attention, are sadly not the norm as we have gotten used to here in the fairer rugby territories of the south. But you must still be wondering why? Its simple, there is no incentive for the teams to play running rugby. Running rugby is induced by adding an incentive. As is seen in Super Rugby, 4 tries are rewarded with a bonus point and, as the Sharks have found out far too often in the past, a lack of bonus points at the end of the season can be costly. In Six Nations play, bonus points don’t exist. Emphasis is placed on winning rather scoring four tries. But what I don’t understand is, if you score four tries then 9 times out of ten you are going to win anyway and also what team wouldn’t want to win. Emphasis need not be put on winning, winning is a given! So I believe that if a bonus point system were put in place right at the top, this would subliminally filter down through the system and induce more tries and wake a large quantity of bored spectators from their slumbers.

So how does this affect us down here in the entertained south? Well, the four home nations have become somewhat the whipping boys of world rugby, with even Argentina finding ways of trouncing those up north (Japan will be next). The bias between north and south has become so evident that the English now consider a successful home autumn series against the south as winning 2 out of 4. In what world is that successful, you should be winning all your home games or at least 3 out of 4. I know that we all love dominating world rugby, and we all love to see the poms whinge, but for the greater good of this game we all love, it is necessary to have a strong set of ‘home’ based nations. I don’t know about you but for me, whinging can become a bit much and if I have to here that git Jeremy Clarkson complain about that Mark Cueto ‘try’ from the RWC 2007 one more time then I may in fact be forced to fly over there to kick him once, really hard in the shin and trust me that is not pleasant.