Interested In Joining The Rebolution?

The reason for the expansion of Super Rugby to 15 and, as a result, the new conference system, the Melbourne Rebels have proved an interesting bunch so far this season. This ecclectic group find themselves sitting relatively pretty at 9th in the overall log and 3rd in the Aussie conference. Not much better than last was expected of the new outfit prior to the start of the season and these veiws seemed wholly justified after they suffered an embarrasing 43-0 loss to the Waratahs in week one. They have rebounded since then showing glimpses of ability but lacking the consistency required to mount a serious challenge.

Much of their success and failure can be put down to their English flyhalf Danny Cipriani. This lady-boy loving Pom brought a lot of hype when he signed from Wasps and has started all but one match for the Rebels so far. Despite being English his goal-kicking has been inconsistent, at best, and his play does seem to lack direction at times. Cipriani leads the comp with the most number of kicks and his predilection for the grubber and chip kick have seen a number of Rebel attacks flounder and stutter as a result. With the signing of Kurtley Beale for next season and the apparent interest in James O'Connor the Englishman's time could be up come 2012; that being said it could be even sooner than that if he hasn't been deported for some sort of booze-induced madness thus creating a strange irony of Australia sending a criminal to England.

Credit must be given where it is due and the Rebels have gotten a lot out of a largely unkown group of players. Upon seeing their squad before the season started I had a thought that the Lions or even the Cheetahs might finish above them but these two would still finish last even if my res side, the Clarendon Knights, were in Super Rugby. Their loose-forward trio has been impressive. This includes a Welshman, Gareth Delve; an Englishman, Michael Lipman; and a South African, Jarrod Saffy. Saffy actually leads the tournament in the number of tackles with 109 and his partnership with the aforementioned Delve and Lipman has been a point of encouragement for the Melbourne lads. Their second row comprising Al Campbell and especially Hugh Pyle has really stood up tall (haha). Another surprise has been Ged Robinson (pronounced how it's spealt rather than Jed; definitely more entertaining). The New Zealand born hooker has been dynamic and largely reliable and has rewarded those who didn't have enough fantasy money to buy anyone that they had actually heard of with his good performances.

The Rebels' backs have been more of  a problem and this is seen more in their defence than in attack. Exciting prospects like Cooper Vuna, Nick Phipps and Richard Kingi give the Rebels an extra dimension on attack but their first-time tackling has let them down this season. They have the worst defensive record having conceded 282 points in 8 eights games thus conceding 35 points a game on average. Even an attack as potent as the Crusaders would struggle to overturn that each week. Opposition loose forwards must lick their lips in anticipation of having Cipriani to run at in the first-five channel as he rarely offers much effort in a tackle. It must be like running into a bowl of porridge for someone like Willem Alberts.This was demonstrated on a number of occasions in the match against the Highlanders.

So, what is their to make of the Rebels so far this season? They have, without a doubt, exceeded expectations and if they were to finish up in their current position of 9th then they would surely be quite pleased. Injuries could see them struggle in the later stages as they don't really have the squad to cope with missing a few key players. I think they should hope for Mortlock to stay crocked because he is way past his best and would be better suited to cruising around with a zimmer frame in a bingo hall than on a rugby field.

They should find getting a respectable position in their conference easier than on the overall log with the Brumbies and the Force playing like tactless apes this season. As the season approaches its end the Rebels will probably struggle to keep up and will require a big effort if they are to maintain their current level. They should, however, take confidence from the first half of their season; especially their forgetfulness when it comes to taking hammerings which they may need more and more and the season goes on.

It's a Matter of Hair

Over the years Super Rugby has not only been synonymous with brilliant rugby that both dazzles and delights us rugby plebs that are firmly ensconced in our lazy boys back home, but it has also been synonymous with some of the most outrageous facial hair known to man. Pioneers such as Jason Eaton and Radike Samo come to mind as some of the most ground-breaking and forward-thinking ‘face stylists’ in the comp. We are eight weeks into the season and there is plenty of pubic matter to look back on. This article is to commemorate those epic men that stood against ridicule and patchiness to push through beyond the barriers that most normal individuals could not withstand. This is the day of the beard!

The Jason Eaton:  a combination between a mountain goat and a Neanderthal;  Jason Eaton’s beard of a few seasons ago gets us off to a good start and is something that even Jesus, himself, would have been proud of. Both the length and weight of the ‘Jason Eaton’ is something to behold and has even been attempted to be replicated by one J. Strauss of the Lions in this year’s competition. This look has to go down as legendary and something that will surely stand the test of time. My prediction is to expect a lot more of this look over the coming years; however, no one can ever possibly reach the lofty heights that Jason Eaton has reached.

The Andy Ellis: a pubic disaster is the best way to describe this look. A shabby, slightly ginger look epitomised by the fact that the he can’t grow a beard and as such a puce, thin ‘tache’ was the elected look of choice for Mr Ellis. This look cannot possibly be replicated anywhere else, except for maybe on the arse of David Pocock, and as a result I predict that this look will be relegated to the archives. Lost forever, but never forgotten, Ellis’ look is a true cracker!

The Cat Fish: Kurtley Beall started life as an erratic yet potent force on the rugby field now to emerge as a more steady yet electric player week in, week out. Essentially you are not gonna not have Kurtley in your starting line up. The same can be said of his facial looks over the years. Initially, the lamb chops were produced, however, this look whilst a good one for the time lacked a good level of depth and as such could have been said to be lacking in some departments, much like his abilities on the pitch. However, Kurtley has now found his niche, the cat fish is a thing of beauty: a perfectly manicured piece of magic. A ‘tache’ for the ages and its slightly saturn look adds the electricity that belies Kurtley’s current state of mind both on and off the pitch.

The Tatafu Polota (a lotta) fat. The Polota Fat is an intricate balance between power and finesse. Much like his game on the field his ability to do the simple things well and also to run okes down personifies his current look. Firstly, the bro fro has been structured in such a way to exemplify power and the sheer size of it demonstrates that. Secondly, his well manicured lamb chops demonstrate the finesse that is required in order to maintain a well rounded chop look. Hours of preening is required to achieve this, in short there is no substitute for hard work. The same can be said in order to perform on the rugby field especially when it comes to throwing into the line outs and scrumagging (the simple things). The Polota Fat in my mind is the look of the year so far and much more can be expected.

Finally, The Franks. This is a look a rapist would be proud of, a short-bearded look that is patchier than your average township dog. Ben Franks has been developing this look and refining it for sometime now and it has finally be perfected with a bald ‘cue ball’ finish up top that would leave most people believing that his  head is on upside down. He is a terror to meet on the pitch and now he would be considered to also be a terror to meet off the pitch (especially in a dark alley way and if you are a girl). My advice would be to steer clear of this future convict and don’t expect this look to explode.

On a more serious note whilst the facial hair of many players in Super Rugby both entertain and amaze us, it is the rugby that keeps us glued to our televisions. This year has been no different, much like the facial hair, the rugby has been bigger and better than ever and has been an absolute treat for me as an avid rugby fan to watch. I feel the best is still to come though both facially and on the pitch! So stay tuned, the pubes are likely to blow your minds over the coming weeks.

Written by Matthew Murray            

Super Rugby Performers

At almost the halfway mark of this year’s Super Rugby competition it is only fitting to recognise the players that have been truly outstanding.

Let’s start with the obvious, Sonny-Bill “SBW” Williams. Who in their right mind can ignore the impact this beast has had on not only Super Ruby, but rugby union as a whole? He has burst onto the scene giving consistently epic performances week in and week out. He has been one of the many factors contributing to the Crusaders’ potent backline and has broken the line more times in his first few games than Bryan Habana has caught the ball this season. SBW has trademarked the pass out the tackle and just oozes coolness that everyone wants to be a part of. Who wouldn’t want to be SBW??

Another player who has to be mentioned for his consistently good form is Adam Thomson. He has been the workhorse behind the Highlanders’ impressive performance this year and the team can thank him for not having their usual place on the log, just ahead of the Lions and Cheetahs. Thomson seems to turn over the ball more often than not and is believed to be the cousin of the greased up deaf guy from Family Guy as a result of how easily he seems to squirm out of tackles and brush off defenders.

A little dark horse player for me has been Sarel Pretorius. Despite being in the worst team of the competition, he seems to perform well every week and has brought his less than inspiring team close to victories in many instances. Although the Cheetahs find themselves at the bottom of the log (for a change) Sarel has impressed me immensely and I believe he would be even more effective in a team that could actually win a game.

An unsung hero and possibly the best lock in Australian rugby at the moment is Sam Wykes. He is a hard worker and strong ball carrier; often seen breaking the line. He also possesses the skills of a backline player and as a result has set up many tries when not scoring them himself. Although he looks like the long lost son of Tarzan, I think this man has a bright future ahead of him but as long as “cue ball” Nathan Sharpe is in the mix, he is going to struggle to persuade the selectors. With that being said I think he would be a good selection for the upcoming World Cup squad.

Ok, I know this is a bit of an obvious choice and an extremely biased one because of my manly love for this player but I struggle to see how people don’t think Drew Mitchell is the best all round rugby player at the moment. He is hard working, a strong ball carrier and has gas to burn! He, for me, is the only wing in the world who constantly finds himself in the centre and at first receiver on a number of moves resulting in his high score tally. Drew can score a try from anywhere and out of nothing and despite people saying that he just looks like a prick, I would do a lot to meet Drew…. A LOT!

A player who has had limited opportunity but seems to capitalise every time is the New Zealand- born Mike Harris. He is unfortunate because of the situation at the Reds where they have a lot of players who have cemented themselves in permanent positions, resulting in Harris being shuffled around the backline like Frans Steyn. However, he seems to be convincing in every position. I would love to see Harris settle into a position and get a lot of game time. I think he is a creative player and can bring a lot to the type of rugby the Reds play.

My last player to mention has to be to Willem Alberts. I know I have an extremely bias view of him because I support the Sharks, but you cannot deny that he is having one hell of a season. With his bullocking runs that seem to take out at least 5 players at a time and his guns that are as big as many people thighs, he has created a lot of opportunities for the Sharks on which to capitalise especially on attack. Although he has managed to drop the ball over the line a few times because of the absence of someone to run over, he still has a good try tally for the season and he isn’t done just yet…

Super Rugby has to be the best time of most guys’ lives and the performances of the players mentioned above ensure that this remains the most highly acclaimed rugby competition on the planet.


Written by guest author: Paul Sprenger