It's a Matter of Hair

Over the years Super Rugby has not only been synonymous with brilliant rugby that both dazzles and delights us rugby plebs that are firmly ensconced in our lazy boys back home, but it has also been synonymous with some of the most outrageous facial hair known to man. Pioneers such as Jason Eaton and Radike Samo come to mind as some of the most ground-breaking and forward-thinking ‘face stylists’ in the comp. We are eight weeks into the season and there is plenty of pubic matter to look back on. This article is to commemorate those epic men that stood against ridicule and patchiness to push through beyond the barriers that most normal individuals could not withstand. This is the day of the beard!

The Jason Eaton:  a combination between a mountain goat and a Neanderthal;  Jason Eaton’s beard of a few seasons ago gets us off to a good start and is something that even Jesus, himself, would have been proud of. Both the length and weight of the ‘Jason Eaton’ is something to behold and has even been attempted to be replicated by one J. Strauss of the Lions in this year’s competition. This look has to go down as legendary and something that will surely stand the test of time. My prediction is to expect a lot more of this look over the coming years; however, no one can ever possibly reach the lofty heights that Jason Eaton has reached.

The Andy Ellis: a pubic disaster is the best way to describe this look. A shabby, slightly ginger look epitomised by the fact that the he can’t grow a beard and as such a puce, thin ‘tache’ was the elected look of choice for Mr Ellis. This look cannot possibly be replicated anywhere else, except for maybe on the arse of David Pocock, and as a result I predict that this look will be relegated to the archives. Lost forever, but never forgotten, Ellis’ look is a true cracker!

The Cat Fish: Kurtley Beall started life as an erratic yet potent force on the rugby field now to emerge as a more steady yet electric player week in, week out. Essentially you are not gonna not have Kurtley in your starting line up. The same can be said of his facial looks over the years. Initially, the lamb chops were produced, however, this look whilst a good one for the time lacked a good level of depth and as such could have been said to be lacking in some departments, much like his abilities on the pitch. However, Kurtley has now found his niche, the cat fish is a thing of beauty: a perfectly manicured piece of magic. A ‘tache’ for the ages and its slightly saturn look adds the electricity that belies Kurtley’s current state of mind both on and off the pitch.

The Tatafu Polota (a lotta) fat. The Polota Fat is an intricate balance between power and finesse. Much like his game on the field his ability to do the simple things well and also to run okes down personifies his current look. Firstly, the bro fro has been structured in such a way to exemplify power and the sheer size of it demonstrates that. Secondly, his well manicured lamb chops demonstrate the finesse that is required in order to maintain a well rounded chop look. Hours of preening is required to achieve this, in short there is no substitute for hard work. The same can be said in order to perform on the rugby field especially when it comes to throwing into the line outs and scrumagging (the simple things). The Polota Fat in my mind is the look of the year so far and much more can be expected.

Finally, The Franks. This is a look a rapist would be proud of, a short-bearded look that is patchier than your average township dog. Ben Franks has been developing this look and refining it for sometime now and it has finally be perfected with a bald ‘cue ball’ finish up top that would leave most people believing that his  head is on upside down. He is a terror to meet on the pitch and now he would be considered to also be a terror to meet off the pitch (especially in a dark alley way and if you are a girl). My advice would be to steer clear of this future convict and don’t expect this look to explode.

On a more serious note whilst the facial hair of many players in Super Rugby both entertain and amaze us, it is the rugby that keeps us glued to our televisions. This year has been no different, much like the facial hair, the rugby has been bigger and better than ever and has been an absolute treat for me as an avid rugby fan to watch. I feel the best is still to come though both facially and on the pitch! So stay tuned, the pubes are likely to blow your minds over the coming weeks.

Written by Matthew Murray