PDivvy Magic

Comments and criticism of South Africa's much-ridiculed coach have been rife since his takeover of the World Cup winning Sprinboks at the back end of 2007. He is a journalist's best friend with his endless supply of confused and self-degrading comments. Who could forget such comments as “If I’m the weakest link then we are bloody strong. I’m a God-given talent. I am the best I can ever be. I know what I am and I don’t give a damn.” He has compared Ricky Januarie to a car mechanic, complemented Morgan Newman on his life-long form and developed a philosophy on the difference between winning losing: "you feel better after winning".  Along with all the comedy and facetiousness that accompanies this marvelous creature comes a rather disturbing fact: that he is the coach of our beloved Springboks!

If the above change in tone hasn't made it aware my affections toward Snor are finished and what remains is abuse and vilification. Complaints of his bizarre and uncoordinated tactics come around every time the test season approaches and last long into the domestic campaign. This may have something to do with being the time he opens his Tom Selleck-mimicking mouth and the concomitant flow of excrament. I think even Earl Rose would be starting this weekend if it finally hadn't made its way into Pieter's head that this would cause an uproar no short of London-scale rioting. His faith in Earl is topic enough for a separate, less lugubrious piece and shall be left at that.

Most coaches at professional level will profess to have some sort of plan for their team. If Pieter has one then it is to appear as planless as possible and if that be true does indeed deserve the medal that he feels he deserves. He has, however, seemed to recognise this and has adopted the adage 'if it aint broke then don't fix it'. The 'it' being the team that won the World Cup four years ago and he seems to be doing all that he can to replicate Jake White's winning formula. I think he is secretly praying that Os gets fired from the Cheetahs and in need of income announces his return to Springbok rugby. Unfortunatley for him, if not quite broke, a fair portion of our team is past its best and well-past their expiry dates. Iconoclasm! You  may shout (if you enjoy using verbose words like verbose like I do) and it does seem that Divvy has a host of supporters in this regard as any criticism of Smit, Matfield, Botha or Habana is deemed worthy of death for its articulator. At this stage it is probably too late to replace these guys but the lack of foresight on his behalf to do so at an earlier stage could prove very costly to our World Cup challenge.

The point has been well proven in the 2011 Tri-Nations. Let's forget about the Rustenberg, we're all injured oh no wait now we're all fine, camp for now. Since having his first choice Boks available for selection he has proceeded to act without so much as a clue in team selection so inconsistent the name 'The Tinkerer', affectionately given to former Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri, would fall far short of the truth. Morne Steyn returns at flyhalf this week begging the question, given he picked him in the first place, what did Butch James do last week that warrants his exclusion this? We all knew he isn't the best goal kicker but he provided some momentum to our backline with  his excellent distribution skills and defended well. This is arguably why Steyn was dropped after the first test, as againts the Wallabies the Springbok backline was about as impotent as Hugh Hefner without his little blue pills. Butch came in and did what was expected. There is no logical reason why he should now be left out. I suppose it is because logic itself is left out in this case. Three number tens in three tests. Confidence in the Bok camp must be flying about now as we close in on the pinnacle of rugby competitions.

The most incredible change he has made has been the replacement of John Smit with Bismarck du Plessis. There is little doubt that the Business is the better player but is this a sign of the way things will play out in New Zealand in just under a months time? This may seem a fair conclusion but when PDivvy is the man making decisions then anything can happen. If Smit is fit enough to be on the bench then he he must be fine to start so the choice is tactical; so one thinks. Smitty has to captain the side at the World Cup. Changing that now would be foolish. Should Bismarck have been named starting hooker a year or eighteen months ago along with a new captain? Yes, probably, but that didn't happen. John Smit is our best captain but he will probably also be our best captain at the age of 40. Should he play then? I'd hate to know Div's answer to that.

On the whole it seems as though the Springboks are in a state of desperation. Three defeats from three in the Tri-Nations with the All Blacks up next, no real vision on team selection and game plan and the self-belief of Derrick Hougaard after taking that hit from Brian Lima. We applaud you Mr. De Villiers. Well done.

But don't worry Piet, you funny little man. You are forgiven because as you have said, despite all disbelief, "I'm not saying that I'm God".

(Please forgive the overuse of the exclamation mark. This man's comments are simply too ridiculous and if paraphrased would surely not be believed.)